magistrate

Re: item #3 - I literally had to call our local paper's circulation department to figure out how to set up an online account. Their impenetrable signup form baffled my spouse (who does this kind of thing for a living), and me, who worked at this very paper for the better part of a decade. That's how terrible it was.

... it also can't seem to remember that I'm logged in and constantly boots me. SIGH.