(no subject)

[magistrate]

"At first I thought, all the more reason to say nothing. But the I thought, that wouldn't be fair. To me, partly. Love has a right to be spoken. And you have a right to know that somebody loves you. That somebody has loved you, could love you. We all need to know that. Maybe it's what we need most."

–Isidra; "Another Story (or) A Fisherman of the Inland Sea", Ursula K. LeGuin

Comments

[yetregressing]

This... Is something I needed to hear, I think. It's been a day of me looking at it, and I'm still trying to piece through it, connect all the dots in my head. Part of it hurts, but it's a reminder that I think is necessary. It shouldn't have to be, but I think it is. I don't know. I'm not sure.

I love you very very much.

[dchan]

Like Ai, this is something I really needed to hear. Unlike Ai, I have a lot of trouble expressing my love. Expressiveness is just not something I do easily. It's much easier to close myself off and not let other people see my true feelings, because that way I feel like they can't take advantage of me or hurt me.

I've been trying to open myself up to people recently. This quote has given me the strength to tell you that I love you. I don't mean in the traditional romantic sense--my sense of the romantic is broken, I think, like my sense of the adorable--but in the sense of deep and (nearly) unconditional trust. You are one of the few people that I would trust to see me at my worst--crying, panicky, anxious, or otherwise upset--without feeling like I was being judged and declared crazy. I'd trust you to take any of my problems I confide in you seriously, and not trivialize my feelings. I trust you you to be honest with me, and not lie or intentionally mislead me unless it was necessary (e.g. protecting a secret for someone else). Perhaps most tellingly, I would trust you to touch me without prior permission. (As I've written before, physical contact is one my last trust barriers for me, so that's saying quite a lot.)

All my life I've been taught that it was bad to be different. Being different got you singled out and teased. Even supposedly "accepting" groups usually had one or two "scapegoats" sacrificed to preserve group unity. I was always scared of that rejection, so I spent a lot of time molding and remolding myself to fit various groups' expectations of me. It was (and is) exhausting and stifling. But I don't feel like I have to do that with you. I can just be whoever I feel like that day--scars, warts, rough edges and all. I don't have to hide anything. I don't have to pretend like I'm happy, or that everything's okay, or that I fit into whatever the local definition of "normal" is. And honestly, the number of people who I've let my guard down to that extent with is very small. I can count them all on my fingers and have a few left over.

So thank you. And I love you.